“The opposite of courage is not cowardice, it is conformity. Even a dead fish can go with the flow.”
—Jim Hightower
—Jim Hightower
Being raised in a zealous-for-Jesus household cost me half my life.
I gave my future, my sexuality, even my children to the god of my parents.
In order to prove my devotion to a so-called loving Creator, I sacrificed my dreams. I let go of some of the most loyal friendships I had. I disciplined my children into submission—believing it was an act of obedience.
When I look back at the woman I was 15 years ago, I’m flooded with sorrow.
She wanted so badly to be good.
A good mother.
A good daughter.
A good wife.
Just… good enough.
A good mother.
A good daughter.
A good wife.
Just… good enough.
But that woman—who once conformed to every demand of her Creator—eventually found the courage to seek truth.
She was willing to swim upstream.
She chose not to be a dead fish.
She chose not to be a dead fish.
The Courage to Rebel
Today, I know what it feels like to go against the grain.
In fact, I think I might be wired for it.
Rebelling against oppressive systems doesn’t just feel natural anymore—it feels true.
Growing up evangelical, our family looked wholesome. But that isn’t hard to pull off.
Look at Instagram. Look at Facebook. Perfection is easy to fabricate.
Smiling children.
Smiling children.
Filtered vacations.
Picture-perfect marriages.
Conformity photographs well.
And in many ways, it even feels good.
When we conform to the systems that preach to us, we’re accepted.
We belong.
We become one of the group.
We belong.
We become one of the group.
Community is a human need—and conformity promises it.
But what if that promise is hollow?
But what if that promise is hollow?
The Disillusionment of Motherhood
I once believed I had my life figured out.
I was a young mom who thought, This is it. This is who I’ll always be—caring for my family.
But the only certainty in life is change.
Now, my youngest is in high school.
Our third child is about to move out.
Our fourth is graduating soon.
Our third child is about to move out.
Our fourth is graduating soon.
Soon, only two of our five children will be home.
My days as a full-time mother are numbered.
But motherhood wasn’t just a role—it was the core of my identity, because that’s what I was taught to conform to.
And not just any kind of motherhood.
The kind where a woman is fully devoted to her husband and children—so much so that she has no identity outside of that devotion.
So… what happens when the children are grown?
Who am I when no one needs me to pack lunches, monitor screen time, or pray them through nightmares?
What kind of mother am I if I pursue my own passions simply because they make me feel alive?
If I follow a dream, will I leave my husband and children behind?
Will my marriage fail?
Will my children see me in a different light?
Will my loved ones lose the rose-colored glasses they see me through?
If I choose change—if I dream a new dream—will I lose everything?
These fears are real. They are deep.
As women and mothers, we’ve given a lifetime of devotion to an identity that promised us endless love from our children and a beautiful marriage into old age.
But… can it truly deliver on those promises?
The Lie of Freedom in Conformity
For many women in systems like mine, the answer to the question “What happens after the duty of raising children is over?” is simple:
Wait for grandkids.
But I don’t have grandchildren.
And none of my children seem eager to start families anytime soon.
And none of my children seem eager to start families anytime soon.
So what now?
Am I meant to dote on my husband while he works all day?
Do I just float around the house, waiting for purpose to knock again?
Do I just float around the house, waiting for purpose to knock again?
This is the cost of a system built on conformity.
It doesn’t teach us how to think—only what to think.
It doesn’t ask us who we are—it tells us.
It doesn’t ask us who we are—it tells us.
And in exchange for obedience, it promises us community.
But what we’re really given is a false sense of freedom, wrapped in belonging that’s contingent on staying in line.
I have lived the life.
I followed the rules as best I could. In fact, far better than many I know. (I don't say this to brag. I count it as nothing. I say it, to prove the point that even when you conform fully, it doesn't work.)
I followed the rules as best I could. In fact, far better than many I know. (I don't say this to brag. I count it as nothing. I say it, to prove the point that even when you conform fully, it doesn't work.)
And I’m here to tell you:
You don’t get a perfect ending just because you lived a "perfect" life.
You don’t get a perfect ending just because you lived a "perfect" life.
The number of curveballs life threw at me was overwhelming.
But in 2012, I made a choice that gave me the greatest return on my investment.
(I’ll share more about that in another post.)
(I’ll share more about that in another post.)
For now, just know this:
A good future is available to you.
But in my experience, it doesn’t lie in blind conformity—to a set of rules, a religious text, or even a tight-knit community of like-minded people.
You might find glimpses of truth in those places—but the real, lasting, liberating truth?
It lies closer than you think.
It lies within you.
When you invest in yourself, chase your dreams, stay curious, and see beauty in everything… life can be good.
You are the key to that life.
You alone have the power.
You alone have the power.
Open the door—
And discover the life you’ve always dreamed of.
And discover the life you’ve always dreamed of.
In my next post, I’ll share a few specific moments where conformity didn’t deliver on its promises—and what those moments taught me about trust, truth, and rebuilding from the inside out.
Love, Can
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If something in this post stirred something in you—you're not alone. I work with clients who are navigating deconstruction, identity shifts, anxiety, and nervous system overwhelm.
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